Thursday, April 23, 2015

Unicorn Conversations

I had a GREAT conversation today. One of those conversations where I am talking with someone and I am immediately aware that I am not a crazy person (like I often feel). It's really rare for me to have a conversation where I feel that the person on the other end is exactly on my wavelength. Not that they agree with what I'm saying, but that they can interact with me on a completely different level.

Anyway, it was exhilarating and made me want to push all other things aside and be like, "Hey you. Let's continue doing this until I am exhausted and then go have a martini." But 1.) that's not how [my] life works 2.) someday this baby will have finally left this body we are sharing and I can once again enjoy the calming effects of gin but sadly that day is not today.

On something along the same train-ride of the conversation is this video that is being passed between many of my most-favorite-lady-friends on the social medias. It's lovely, and the first time I watched it (yes, there have been multiple viewings) I fell in love. Yes because of the satire. Yes because of the ladies in it. But mostly because I feel like if you were able to look inside my brain like a Viewmaster, this is what you would see and hear. In my world, it is a conversation of perfection - right down to the cake plates and champagne.

Maybe I'm not alone, just rare. Maybe there are others like me.

P.S. if you haven't seen this, the language of it is not safe for work/kids/maybe your grandmother. Just an FYI you might want to pull out your headphones. 

Friday, April 17, 2015

Like a worn blanket

in the hands of a teenager, The Shins are have always been there for me. Through the sad, the truly difficult, the bizarre, the never-again, and the chapter making. Somebody far more important than me is quoted as saying that beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy. Maybe they said it, maybe they didn't, but it feels true on a really hard or hot day. Similar is the rainbow, which I believe to be music. Music is proof that God knows life will be hard and that we all need a hug.

I once listened to New Slang on repeat for 2 months in my car. I remember it was really warm but I was freezing inside and I needed a hug. The Corolla became a red bubble of protection. The song began to feel like home when I felt like I didn't have one anymore. Still to this day that song is soothing, like having my mother stroke my hair. 

My first heartfelt foray into online communication was AIM, where of course buried in your profile you would list the song lyric that best summed up your teenage emotional state at that very moment. You could learn more from someone's profile lyrics than you ever could by actually chatting with them. Maybe my generation is wired this way. Maybe we're not alone. Maybe that's why the heartthrob plays guitar in a grassy spot under a tree or why we sent drummer boys to the battlefield. 

So I'm grateful for music probably above nearly everything else and I thought maybe music would like to hear that said out loud after I've hit repeat for the 50th time.

Monday, April 06, 2015

Three Reasons

There reasons I don't want to go home:

1.) I hear it snowed back home yesterday. Now, no matter how much you like snow, or are trying to be a glass-half-full kinda person, you have to admit it's time for the cold to stop in WNY now so you can see some daffodils and sit in the sun. It's easy to forget how much these things can make a difference in and lift your mood. Having just experienced it yesterday, it really does help heal something deep inside that a long, cold winter breaks.

2.) Before I left Rochester, a drunk 20-something called me a pregnant whore at 1am on a Wednesday as I nicely requested that maybe she not yell through the streets of my neighborhood or on the front lawn on my house. I had a different rant here, but I just...I just can't. Let's say I'm beginning to question if it's the crime, schools, and high taxes that drive people to buy houses in the suburbs or perhaps it is something else.

3.) Traveling has the possibility to bring out our best-selves, doesn't it? I love seeing new places with Matt and on this particular adventure I got to share so much of it with Sarah and Lindsay. It was a giant gift from the universe. Pair that with some other fantastic people that Matt and I got to know (or know better) along the way and I'm on cloud nine. I am relaxed (as much as a Deedle can be), I am inspired, and I am content. These are three things I haven't been in at least since August of last year.

Coming home from traveling is always a bit tough. This time it seems a bit tougher. I'm glad I booked the latest flight out of here possible, even though it wasn't really by choice and it is ridiculously late. A big thank you to the universe for giving me one more day here.

Saturday, April 04, 2015


Whenever I travel to a big city, especially one that is not New York City, I become a High School girl with a crush.

If it has great public transportation the falling in love becomes faster and harder. I'll spend hours weaving my way in an out of corners, picking stops at random and getting off just to see what those few blocks have to offer. I get excited to get back on, not necessarily because my feet hurt, but because it's like a cheap tour guide showing you glimpses of life in the place that surrounds you. The people, the neighborhoods, the vibe. It's wonderful.

This is especially true about Chicago where the L gives you a raised view of the city and provides ample time for day dreaming, like I do when falling in love, thinking things like "what if this moment lasted. What if we just stayed."

It happens nearly every time - the "what if we just stayed." What if we just borrowed time on couches until we got jobs, an apartment, and developed a life in this new place with bigger ideas, bigger opportunities, bigger thinking.

Sometimes living in a medium-sized city is hard. It can feel suffocating and restricting. Compound that with the nature of a job in social services that tends to show you the underbelly of your neighbors and it can make it doubly so. Opportunities for growth seem capped, thinking can feel restricted, and new ideas unnecessarily challenged by rote. The status quo rules the every day and fighting it can be exhausting.

When I spend a long amount of of time in a big city - home starts to feel that way to me. (Even though I'm sure places like Chicago have the same challenges when you're living in the reality of it's day-to-day.)

But this time it's all feeling a little different - stronger and more urgent. Like something is brewing. The day dreams feel less like vapor and more like a knock. I think it might be time for something different. A new challenge, a push, some growth, a new place to conquer. It's calling me, loudly.