Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Living a beautiful life
When I was little, I had a bunch of ideas of what I wanted to do when I grew up. In the beginning I wanted to be a comedian. My mother, who was concerned because I was a very un-funny child, thought perhaps that wasn't the best idea. I then had all intentions of marrying John, the older boy next door, whose life ambition was to be a garbage man. Getting married was apparently next on the list of what I wanted to do when I grew up. Nice.
In my 33 years on Earth I have so far wanted to be: a comedian, a wife, a marine biologist, a writer, a biologist, a journalist, a trust-fund baby, a cartoonist, a greeting-card writer, a designer, a boss, a gallery owner, an entrepreneur, an artist, a stay-at-home mom, a world-saver, a shop owner, and a sign-shop painter at Wegmans. Some of those I've added to my resume, and some of them clearly I have not.
I take you through this to see the sea. The swimmy, choppy sea of the place this boat has always been in. Looking at it from above (as I sometimes, in moments of clarity, I am capable of doing), sometimes it is a pond, and sometimes it is an ocean. At the moment it feels immense, vast, empty, with no horizon in sight and the constant rocking of my chipped red-painted rowboat.
The one thing I have always known, deep inside somewhere, is that I want to have a beautiful life. I'm enamored with beautiful things; particularly words, moments, and vignettes of objects. It is the one thing I truly love, something so deeply part of me that when I have too much, or too little of it my reaction is visceral. Usually it comes in the form of tears.
Maybe it was traveling. Maybe it was being with the people I love. Maybe it is the changing of spring to summer (finally!). Maybe it is nothing, maybe it is just the way it is when you love something as nebulous as beauty, when it's the constant thing you're searching for to make you fufilled.
Whatever it is has made me unstable; created a rocky boat and an endless ocean. And I'm bouncing, floating, searching for something beautiful.
at 7:00 AM